Kink Lovers | // BDSM Blog for Kinky Women & Men Mon, 29 Jul 2019 19:54:58 +0000 en-US hourly 1 5775513 Reasons We Have a Cigar-Smoking Fetish | // // Mon, 05 Aug 2019 15:00:37 +0000 // If the idea of women smoking turns you on, you’re in good company.

Indeed, in times past, the image of smoking was synonymous with sexy. This was blamed on tobacco companies for ad campaigns promising the rugged freedom-loving icon of the Marlboro Man, or touting the habit as a sign of women’s sexual liberation, or a healthy way for women to stay slender.

Famous Hollywood icons like Greta Garbo and Clark Gable were already immortalized as sex symbols, and cigarettes or cigars were part of that allure.

So what makes cigars so titillating?

Smoking is taboo.

Anything taboo is smoking hot. It’s just the way our psyches and the loins that connect to them operate.

Because smoking was long forbidden to women, something only men did, the wave of defiance in the jazz age as women chopped off their hair, went dancing, and smoked like chimneys was symbolic of rebellion. Seeing a woman light up was saucy and novel and the taboos being broken heated up the sex appeal.

Smoking later became so ubiquitous that it was near universal. Everyone smoked. Then a massive wave of health statistics began to roll in, and smoking became seen as disgusting and filthy.

Ironically, these health concerns turned smoking back into a taboo. So that brings us back to square one: smoking turns some of us on.

Smoking is phallic.

All that Freudian analysis about oral fixations and penis envy is hard to shake.

A woman sucking on a cigarette or cigar is a simulation of oral sex. It involves one of the sexiest parts of a woman—her lips. It is suggestive, as her lips are moving and kissing and sucking at the phallic stand in.

While many women are turned on by imagery of the cowboy or outlaw, which often includes smoking, most fetishists are men. Not surprisingly, gay men also admire the outlaw figure and his cigar. Indeed, the male cigar smoking fetish is a bona fide subculture in the gay world, with cigar clubs and cigar-themed leather-night dance parties catering to this particular taste.

There are porn videos galore for both straight men and gay men that feature the objects of their affection teasing them out of their minds with lips, cigarettes, and cigars.

It’s part of BDSM culture.

Of course your average smoker doesn’t bring to mind anything about ropes or leather or thigh-high boots. But in fantasy, it does. Smoking is woven into our imaginations in iconic imagery and myth. Some of it is Hollywood, some of it is advertising, and some of it is built up around the kink and then becomes part of it.

There’s also the authoritarian allure to cigar mythology. Think of Cuban cigars—the whole of cigar culture, kinky or connoisseur—is woven into the Castro mythology. We see these larger than life revolutionary figures—full beards, swarthy, masculine—chomping on cigars. We picture their taste for the best and finest, their discriminating taste.

Whether it’s Rhett Butler or Fidel Castro, we associate cigar smoking with the scoundrel, the gentleman of ill repute, the man you don’t want to piss off. There are other images of dominant women too, like Madonna—even though Madonna is a staunch my-body-is-a-temple type and never smokes, the cigar is a recurring prop for her, from “Deeper and Deeper” to today’s Madame X.

Cigars are part of the BDSM cultures worldwide. For some folks, being a submissive means providing “cigar service.” This is the formal preparation and treatment of cigars and involves all kinds of paraphernalia like cigar cutters. You can attend workshops on how to incorporate cigar service into your subbing and servitude.

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The Kink of Casual Dating and Hookups | // // Thu, 01 Aug 2019 15:00:50 +0000 // In a sense, everything is a kink. If you think about vanilla sex—doors locked, lights out, in the missionary position—it’s really the most fucked up kind of sex there is, because it’s so sociopathically boring. I mean, you really have to be in a particular head space to be into that sort of denial of sensuality and desire.

Loveless relationships, where one partner simply loses all desire, or only fucks their spouse once a year, maybe on a birthday, are really the most intense master-and-servant relationships I can imagine. It is a manifestation of years upon years of passive-aggressive kinkiness. What an epic way to control someone. You hold all the cards for someone who desperately wants sex from you, but can’t get it, and can’t find the strength to leave either.

Anyhow, if everything is kinky, then nothing is kinky because kink can only be defined as being that which causes desire but is not like the ordinary and expected. it’s all a bit of a mind fuck.

A person who fucks a lot of other people, whether it be a man or woman, fucking other men or women, is usually thought of as a player, a slut, a dog, a whatever. Usually they get the blame for taking advantage. I don’t see it this way, though.

People who fall victim to players are often people who are broken in some way, or have an unhealthy sense of how to love themselves in the context of a relationship. Being played makes them feel good because it affirms what they believe about themselves. They allow themselves to be played over and over, because this is their kink. It’s what turns them on. The emotional pain, and the euphoria when the pain is taken away, are not any different from the physical pain of a riding crop.

So, you might say the player is unilaterally manipulating people. I say, though, that players are actually recruited by people who want to be played, because they are addicted to drama. This is a fucked up and dirty kink. Womanizers exist because there are women who want to be played that way, whether they know it or not. Their despair is part of the cycle of drama that they need in order to function in their broken way.

Meanwhile, going from partner to partner, and not connecting exactly with anyone is also a crazy kink. Everything is a crazy kink. Nothing is a crazy kink. That’s how I feel about it.

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Take a Walk on the Wild Side | // // Mon, 29 Jul 2019 15:00:53 +0000 // You don’t hear as much these days as you used to about guys who get off by wearing women’s lingerie.

It’s almost politically incorrect to reference the age-old fetish. That’s because transgender women were, for a long time, often condemned as perverts who got off on dressing up, and that they weren’t real women.

This was confusing two very different things, and denigrating both of them—mixing up transgender women with straight cis guys who liked to wear female clothing for a sexual kick.

If you’re a dude who loves wearing women’s clothing, here are some kinks or descriptions you might relate to.

Drag Queens

Drag queens are men (usually gay) who dress up as women, for performance purposes, not sexual thrill. It’s a classic gay theater art that incorporates stand up comedy, props, female impersonation, dancing, MC skills, and more.

Sissy Boys

Humiliation and domination kinks often include sissy boy play, or sissification, where a man submits to forced feminization. This may include wearing women’s clothes, servitude of the fem-dom, or being the passive partner to anal penetration

Donning Lady’s Drawers

This one is common, and most men have experienced being turned on by women’s panties in a department store or even better, balled up and moist on the carpet or the backseat of a Corvette. Some of you got a hard on by touching them, putting them in your pocket, and yes, by trying them on.

Role Playing and Gender Bending

Lots of guys who are excited by women’s clothes get off by something more elaborate than trying on a bra in the mirror at home alone. Acting out various scenes allows them to fully engage in a role.

For some, the gender bending is where the thrill comes in. For others, it’s the specific clothes—a nurse’s outfit for example, or fishnet stockings.


There’s a man I see who wears pantyhose and high heels but normal guy clothes from the waist up. He’s got male-pattern balding, a mustache, and wears no makeup. He’s getting off on the fact that people are shocked by his stockings and high heel pumps.

Dressing up in pantyhose or outfits is often about the thrill of exhibitionism. While most guys keep it to themselves, or hide a silky teddy under their suit jackets, these ones are in it to be seen.

Cross-Dressing Kink

Sometimes a fetish isn’t linked to any other kink but itself. Many men are excited by cross dressing in and of itself, period. They are excited by the fact the clothes are women’s, which makes sense, because they are straight guys.

Cross dressing can be simply about being closer to a woman. While most guys tear a woman’s clothes off, some want to put them back on or hold them. The fabric, scent, texture, and memory of the clothing makes them feel closer to women.


This is the most extreme version of the cross=dressing kink—guys are so sexually aroused at their transformation, they want to be surrounded by women or to become a woman. Most guys with this extreme fetish just use role play or fantasy to get off, but some take the rare surgical route or ask for hormone treatment for feminization.

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How to Find a Dominant-Slave Relationship | // // Thu, 25 Jul 2019 15:00:57 +0000 // I would love to obey a dominant woman, to be trained as her personal slave.

This is a kinky confession from one of our readers. Is it really possible to find such an arrangement? You see it movies, read it in books, and of course fantasize with your own imagination, but how does one go about making it a reality.

Your two best bets to finding a d/s relationship are through the BDSM community or niche online dating sites. You just can’t hang out in bars and clubs every week, hoping to meet a woman who just happens to be a dominatrix, who just happens to be looking for a man to train as her slave, who just happens to have the right chemistry with you. The odds are worse than finding a needle in a haystack.

If you want to meet kinky women, it always helps to live in a large city where kink communities thrive through sex clubs, BDSM conventions, kink workshops, BDSM-themed nights at clubs, and social munches.

If you’ve been exploring kink a while, you’ll likely be aware of some of these places or events. If you’re a newbie, just start surfing online to see what’s available. It can feel like a lonely place when you’re alone with your kinks and don’t have friends to talk to about your fetishes and fantasies.

If you get involved in the kink community, whether through online forums or social events, you will connect to more and more people, and maybe find a dominant woman to engage with.

Niche dating sites like connect men and women with specific sexual proclivities, kinks, and fetishes. Most of these sites do charge a membership fee, but it will save you a lot of time that it would take beating around the bush trying to find unique relationships on mainstream sites.

On a niche site, you can write a specific dating profile that outlines your desires and kinks, that explains clearly the kind of relationship you are looking for. You can take your time browsing, sending messages, and writing replies, all from the comfort of home. It may take some time to find the relationship you want, but you can always have fun with kinky hookups until you do!

Kinky Confessions is a be-weekly post on Kink Lovers. We want readers to share their tantalizing tales of kink, fetish, and fantasy. SUBMIT YOUR STORY HERE! These stories don’t have to be real, they can be fiction that you’d like turned into reality.

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All about the Big Black Cock Fetish | // // Mon, 22 Jul 2019 15:00:37 +0000 // More than once, a poly partner expressed his desire to see me getting fucked by a black man.

I’ve enjoyed lovers from every ribbon on the rainbow,but it’s not something I ever indulged in as a kink or fetish, or for someone else’s fetish.

But my girlfriend is French-American and dates African-American guys exclusively. She confesses to a fetish that porn streams call “big black cock.” These videos are very popular with men—AND women.

I know many feel squeamish about having a racially charged kink. My girlfriend feels like she is objectifying dudes for their body parts, and contributing to unrealistic stereotypes for black men, but justifies it by stating the obvious—MOST sexual fantasy is unrealistic objectification.

We are in an increasingly politicized culture where we seem compelled to drag our urges into the public spotlight and sanitize them, purging ourselves of our sins. I don’t see this as any different than the days where we were told we’d go blind if we masturbated, when young children had their genitalia washed with carbolic soap toward against impure thoughts.

Our minds have always been in the gutter, and sex is where we experience a range of scenarios and emotions. We are turned on by a remarkable diversity of possibilities.

That said, understanding what is behind some of our uncomfortable kinks can help us accept them and make sure their nastier aspects don’t make it out into everyday life.

Here are some reasons BBC—big black cock—is a kink thing.

It’s power play.

There is a lot going on in the black-guy white-woman fetish scenario. It upends racial and gender power structures and roles, and twists them into a number of possibilities.

Who’s really in charge? That changes throughout the various fantasies. And It’s hot.

It’s two people fucking.

It’s a variation on the obvious, the standard.

Watching a man push his cock into my pussy is the most basic representation of sex there is.

It’s so normal, it’s almost vanilla.

It’s a cuckold thing.

Sometimes guys imagine that the woman is so horny she must fuck more men, and that the men have bigger cocks or something he doesn’t.

The cuckold fantasy—being cheated on—is as old as the hills. Some guys overanalyze why this makes their dicks so hard. In biology, it’s simple: sperm competition really drives up testosterone in primates and humans.

It’s taboo.

When interracial dating or mixed couples were rare, or even illegal, the idea was so taboo that it was a turn on in and of itself.

This can still be a motivator in the arousal because a woman might feel she is defying her parents or social mores hooking up with a black dude. Or she—or you—might be sticking it to the politically correct brigade that says you can’t fantasize about black men or Asian women because it’s a sin now for different reasons.

It’s the size of the cock.

Some women enjoy sex more with a big cock, or they do so in fantasy. More often, the dude enjoys the idea of the big cock—even if his is big enough too! It can raise your testosterone just thinking about it, and that’s why the picture makes you horny.

It’s simple aesthetics.

Lots of us enjoy occasional encounters with real bodies and porn that include “big black cock.” As I mentioned, it’s not an actual fetish for me, but it’s still super hot. I’m turned on by the beauty of it, the black and white skin. I see beauty in all kinds of men and women, and enjoy this combination for its own unique kind of sexy.

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You Never Know Where You’ll Meet Your Next Kinky Hookup | // // Thu, 18 Jul 2019 15:00:42 +0000 // It was a quarter to ten, in the mean aisles of Walmart. Second floor, deep in the bedding section, where the thread counts gather closely, smoothly inside the plastic-sheathed bundles of Egyptian cotton. It was there, far from the cart escalator, and illuminated by the hard endless florescent tube lights above on the bare ceiling that I first met Esmerelda Fernandez.

She came at me, nearly as wide as the aisle itself, her hips spilling over the wide saddle of her electric scooter, six ten-litre bottles of Pepsi Cola shoved into her front basket.

“Excuse me,” she said, I need to get by. Don’t we all need to get by, Esmerelda. Don’t we all. As I pressed my back against the stacks of bright colored towels, she rolled by, like a single tank, traversing the narrow cobbles on its way to Red Square to catch the tail end of the May Day parade. And as she passed, all pomp and circumstance, she flashed me—not for the last time—that famous nearly toothless smile.

Years later, as her mouth would widen to encompass the girth of me, she would always joke: “You know, with my teeth out, I can give you that extra inch of tongue!” Lord knows, she wasn’t lying!

We did it in many ways, if not many places, over the years. Esmerelda has never been too mobile. Since that fateful day at Walmart, when we first met, casually chatting and joking in the aisle as the towels fell round us—heavy festive garlands of terry cloth and joy—she has grown larger and larger, becoming so mammoth that she can barely lift herself up in her bed.

It is in this bed that our BBW lovemaking takes place. I clean out her folds with a sponge on a long stick, refreshing her skin with the antibacterial lotion, and after I put my member into any part of her that I please. Often I don’t know, nor care really, whether I am inside an actual sexual part or not. What does it matter? Each part of her is as sensual as the next, as the last. Each part is of equal desirability. As long as I am enclosed within her somehow, I am satiated.

Of course, when it comes to her pleasure, I must make the effort to find my way to the button. Sometimes, when things go right, I am quite successful with the sponge on the end of the stick, daubed in a little bit of Vaseline. I’ve become quite a surgeon, to be quite honest.

I thought it would make you happy to hear about our love, a little anyhow. I hope it did!

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When She’s Hornier than You Are | // // Mon, 15 Jul 2019 15:00:03 +0000 // You’ve found the kinky girl of your dreams, and then some. Maybe you were just hoping to meet a woman who liked sex as much as you did, and now it’s more than you bargained for.

Though mismatched libido is an age-old issue for couples, it’s usually the other way around. So now what?

Rise to the occasion.

One solution when a partner needs more sex is to have more sex.

After all, when a woman complains to her doctor, therapist, or friends that her man needs more sex, she is usually advised to get herself in the mood more often.

The partner wanting the least sex is not “right” and the horny one isn’t “right.” A compromise is usually the best solution.

So one solution to the “problem” is having more sex. You might find you can get in the mood more than you do if you prioritize sex.

I’m not talking about someone doing things they don’t want to do. I’m talking about the fact that I’m not always in the mood for pizza or shopping, but both are fun if I participate anyways.

Think quality, not quantity.

Quantity might not be what will provide her with fulfillment. Why not commit to amazing, creative, connective, unrushed sex sessions?

Make sure you’re in the mindset that your emails can wait, that sex is as important as work or doing the dishes. If you’re just banging her and rolling back to the wall to snore the night away, no wonder she keeps that rabbit vibrator handy.

Kinky people often need their minds to be engaged in sex, not just the body. I can jerk off all by myself, but sex with a partner is about more than my pussy getting off. I want to have a full mind-body-spirit experience.

Kinky couples having vanilla sex all the time will mean one or both of you feeling unsatisfied. There’s nothing wrong with a straight-up quickie now and again—quite the contrary—but I also need elaborate, ritualistic, imaginative, intense, anticipatory sex sessions. That’s why I’m kinky.

Make your mismatch libido a factor in your kink theater.

There are many ways to incorporate the variations in your sex drives into your kink.

You can focus on giving her countless orgasms in a domination scene. You can let her romp solo with her inner exhibitionist while you watch. You can practice orgasm denial, so that you don’t use up your weekly allotment and can deliver next time. You can enjoy bondage where you don’t take off your clothes at all, or you can fuck her with all kinds of things from your tongue to a dildo.

Consider multiple relationships or polyamory.

If your mismatched sex drives are really a big variation, or even if it’s just a little off kilter, consider opening the relationship for her.

Lots of kinky couples are polyamorous. Polyamory can be part of the kink play if you’re into submission, humiliation, voyeurism, or group play. By incorporating another partner for her, you are honoring her sexual needs and giving her an outlet. There will be a lot less frustration and resentment if you are able to work out a poly arrangement together.

Accept that you are out of sync.

This is for both of you. Instead of complaining to and about each other for perfectly natural desire patterns, accept that you are different.

It’s very rare that two partners have the exact same matching frequency or intensity for sex, so acting as if something is wrong when you differ is not going to solve anything. If you’re both happy together and have great sex, work on accepting each other where you are.

Prioritize Time that Isn’t Sexual.

Both the horny partner and the tired one can find sex a lot more satisfying by rekindling the joy of just being together. When the mind has a chance to grow with a person and spend time doing other things, the imagination has a way of coming up with all kinds of sexy ideas.

Restraining yourselves from sex to take walks, visit an art gallery, or help your mother in the garden has a strange way of releasing kinky daydreams into the ether.

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When Kink Fizzles in a Relationship | // // Thu, 11 Jul 2019 15:00:48 +0000 // Something is happening in my current relationship that I’ve experienced before. The sizzle in my kink is now starting to fizzle.

I’ve been with my guy for two years, so we’re not in the crazy honeymoon-sex phase anymore. We do have regular sex, but it’s just not as kinky as it used to be, as exploratory.

One thing that has kept the relationship fresh and fun has been the distance between us: we have days, sometimes a week between seeing each other, so there’s a loop of anticipation that plays out over and over.

We used to use props, toys and accessories, to experiment with bondage, edging, sensory and role play. It’s been long enough now that we haven’t that I’m missing that BDSM exploration, and I’m determined to bring it back.

I’ll share some of my ideas with you, as it might be useful if you’re in a similar situation. What I’ve learned over the years is that you can’t let sex slide into routine or out of the picture—the longer it sits, the staler it gets.

Sext your partner. This is something my lover and I used to do quite a bit. We would even try to orgasm simultaneously while on the phone. If you like a visual you can try Skyping. If you’re too shy to masturbate over the phone, just send flirty texts leading up to your next encounter because it helps to build anticipation.

Buy new toys. It’s been a while for me, but every time I brought home a new toy – vibrator, blindfold, nipple clamps, or even flavoured lube – it would make a spark. What can be a lot of fun is shopping in person together, or for more discretion try online at the .

Switch roles. I’m a natural submissive, but on occasion I like to surprise my lover by acting dominant. It wasn’t easy at first, but once I saw how much it turned him on, I was all over things like spanking or riding on top of him.

Have a threesome. For me and my lover this would be new. We are both confident in ourselves and our relationship, so I think with some talk around boundaries and expectations we would be fine. The idea for any couple is to keep expanding your sexual repertoire by challenging your limits.

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Bondage Tips for Beginners | // // Mon, 08 Jul 2019 15:00:00 +0000 // You’ve been lurking around Kink Lovers for a while, enjoying the variety and spice of kink life, hoping to get in on the action.

If you’re ready to take it to the next level, but not sure how, here are some bondage tips for beginners. Get started on an exciting fetish journey today!

Seek out an experienced partner.

It’s the most practical way to enter into the world of bondage and BDSM, but it’s also the hottest. Getting initiated is a rite of passage, and it can feel intense and profound.

You can be led into BDSM on a leash, or if your thing is to dominate, you can find out how from a submissive who is willing to instruct you.

It all depends how extreme your kink gets. You don’t need a specialist to indulge a few mild restraint whims for hanky panky. But learning the ropes from someone who is experienced with safety and pleasure is a great idea.

Communicate openly.

There’s nothing worse than going on six dates with a kinky girl only to find out she’s into furry dressup and has zero desire to don a red-latex bodysuit and beat you to a pulp.

Don’t assume a person’s kinks, and remember there are millions, so even if you are looking for a date on kinky dating sites, it’s still helpful to express what yours are on your profile.

Consider a professional.

There are professional BDSM practitioners who provide sex, instruction, or both. Some doms are “full service” and some provide services in training, props, safety, etc. These are private coaches or experts who can share their experiences.

You might think it’s not as sexy or romantic if you hire a person, but a few sessions to find your way can give you confidence and answer all your questions in a nonjudgemental atmosphere.

Attend workshops.

If you can’t find anything in your town, Google the nearest big city, and take a weekend vacation to a kink workshop. You’ll find friendly, approachable, class-room or yoga-retreat style workshops from two hours to weekend intensives. These are great opportunities to meet others into bondage and kinks, and also get practical experience with stuff like making knots and safe whipping practices.

There are lots of short and full-length films that are instructional too. They are great, but the in-person opportunity affords an interactive experience.

Educate yourself the right way.

Kinky novels, erotica, porn, and movies can be exciting and educational, but take them all with a grain of salt. Get your advice from bondage videos that are designed as workshops or instructionals.

BDSM erotica and porn are people’s fantasies, not safety playbooks. You can find out all kinds of stuff, but some of it is pure imagination and totally unsafe in practice because it’s in the mind, not meant for real life. Some is unrealistic, and some is impractical if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Use bondage erotica to enhance your repertoire once you get some hands-on experience with the basics.

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Relationship and Dating Drama as Kink | // // Thu, 04 Jul 2019 15:00:55 +0000 // I don’t know why, but I get incredibly turned on by dates who go off the rails and tumble down into drama canyon. You’d think it would be the opposite, and that I’d want to find a nice stable person who loved me and felt like she wanted to treat me well.

I’ve fallen in with those nice, devoted, even-keeled ladies a number of times, but I always end up dumping them because their lack of unpredictability just bores me.

I went on a date the other night that was going oh so well. We met at happy hour and started drinking wine. We’d been getting to know each other on a dating site and through texts for a while and agreed to meet. It was nice. We shared a few truths, opened our hearts a little bit. It all seemed mostly normal.

At a certain point, she said she was bored of the bar and asked if I wanted to come over to her house. I said sure. No expectations, we’ll just hang out, drink more wine, whatever. So we hung out at her place, drew some pictures, talked about life and so on… but I noticed that she was getting more and more antsy as the clock ticked on. Not only this, but she was increasingly into her phone.

I didn’t take it too hard. I told her if she needed to get onto other stuff, that I would be fine with that. This is when she came up with the big reveal.

“Look,” she told me, “I just have one issue in life, and that’s blow.” She was jonesing for a hit of coke, and me being at her place was the only thing that stood in her way. I said it was fine I could leave, and she had already ordered a taxi anyhow. She burst into tears and started apologizing and saying she was sorry this date had turned to shit.

You’d think I’d be anxious to go and never see her again, but the truth is that I found the whole affair incredibly sexy. Maybe the window onto her vulnerability felt like an avenue for seduction that was based on a power play, rather than mutual respect and desire… that I could have her because she was broken. I admit that is fucked up, but it is also hot.

This is one of the foundations of kink, and I don’t mean pretend kink with safe words and mutually established boundaries and so on. I’m talking about real kink, which is more related to psychological warfare in the game of desire. It is more related to games of wolves and tigers pouncing on each other in the old growth forests of love.

Unfortunately for me, she took off in the taxi, and I didn’t see her again. That beautiful broken wolf slipped back into the undergrowth and was gone. Next time.

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